Waiting

Waiting to be healthier physically
Waiting to be tougher emotionally
Waiting to be smarter mentally
Waiting to be stronger spiritually

Waiting to be healed throughoutly
Waiting to be loved completedly
Waiting to be accepted generally
Waiting to be hugged and comforted...

原来也是好事

当太多人关心你的时候，难免会有点压力。。。
你会向他们隐瞒你真实的想法，压力，病情，感受等。。。因为你不想他们担心你。。。

不过， 当你在意的他并没有把你放在心上时，这也未必是件坏事。

因为，
你不用担心，他是否会担心你，
也不用烦恼，你是否给他麻烦，
因为你对他而言只不过是个不起眼，起不了作用的一根草，他不会去珍惜你，去呵护你，去宠你。。。

他会理你全全只因你是他其中一个朋友，其中一个谈得来的朋友，其中一个过客。。。


所以，
你可以毫无压力地， 尽情地告诉他
你的想法，你的病情，你的难处，你的痛苦。。。
以这样的方式来抒发你的感觉。。。
多好呀~

因为这一切对他而言是无关痛痒的，一点儿也影响不了他。。。
虽然，好人的他一样会执行身为朋友的义务来对你说些安慰的话。。。
不过，你千万千万要记住，
他只是出至于好心，只是觉得这样说他的良心会好过些， 这是朋友的义务，
他讲义气-朋友有难，必拔刀相助。。。

记得，你并不是特别的那个， 你要牢牢地记住，免得你对他会有更多的期待，更多的奢望。。。
结果， 受伤的是自己。。。

拥有一个可以信任，可以了解你的朋友，实在是不枉此生啊~

原来会难过

原来当他没有回应时，我是难过的。
虽然我很不想他因为我而麻烦他自己，但是心里还是期待着他的问候，他的回复。
忽然觉得我把他看得比朋友重了些。
我之所以难过是因为我已经习惯了他的安慰？还是我很在乎他？
我希望难过的原因是前者。
不过，我现在真的很想知道他不给我回应我的原因是什么。
觉得我很烦？
觉得我很令人讨厌？
觉得我无药可救？
觉得我应该独立？

或许我不该对他有任何的期望，我该死心了。。。

问题是，我能吗？

太过注重友谊可以带给你安慰，也能令你受伤。。。

我已经受伤了。。。

Who are you?

I really don't know how to treat you?
As a best friend?
As a brother?
As a peer mentor?
As a church member?

不开心的我

最近的我都不开心，笑也笑得假，泪就时常流。。。感觉我就快患上忧郁症了～
不过。。。
我深深知道深爱我的祂在紧紧地抓着我，在我身边安排了不少安慰我的人。。。
我为此感谢，我相信，经过了这次，我就会如鹰展翅飞翔，就会更坚强。。。

不会，还是不愿？

我真的不晓得如何分辨别人对我的关心。
乱了。。。
我很难相信世上有那么好的人，尤其是男人。
他所做的一切真的只是因为愿意为朋友而付出，毫无目的？？？
我要选择相信吗？？？



世上真的有人的性格跟我那么得像吗？
当你发现有这样的人时，你真的不知该高兴，或警惕。。。
难免会有点恐怖。。。

The night I cried, the night I couldn't sleep

Since 1:30am I have been crying like a baby, my tears flow like streams, endless tears continuously shed from my eyes.
The fear in my heart causes me insecured,
looking for something to hold,looking for a great arm to hug.
Feel like vomiting,
feeling dizzy...
Am I crazy? Am I depressed?
I couldn't sleep well recently, since Tuesday I have been vomiting whatever I had eaten.
I am scared, really scared...
I need strength, comfort, and love, LORD..Grant me, please... 

他真的那么好？

昨天，他说，等你病好了我才说故事给你听。
我说，不要，不要，我就是要听，不然我睡不着。
在我半逼半哄之下，他终于说了他的故事。
如预期中，他的人生真的很坎坷。
只是没想到他可以这样地撑过来。

八岁就开始照顾出生不久的妹妹，
十六岁守夜照顾已中风了的外公，
从小就扮演严厉十足的爸爸哥哥。
一路以来被身边的亲友误解指责，
认为他不应该对弟妹那么地严厉，
但是谁晓得他们背后过去的经历？
或许他不该，但爱之深责之切啊！

神，你知道他的需要，求你带领他前面的道路，赐给他信心、勇气走下去。

睡前故事

想听故事，却没人愿意讲。。。可怜的我~ T.T

Love can cover everything

A short conversation with my uncle last night,
"If two persons really want to be together, it is not only the matter of faith (religion), they would consider about their background, financial status, family burden, academic achievement, and etc..." I said
My uncle replied, " No, no, no, Love can cover all these things"
"Really? I don't know. I haven't reach to this level,haha!" I said.
"You will know" my uncle smiled and said to me.
So surprise that my uncle would say "Love can cover everything", I thought he would agree with my rational statement, but he didn't. I don't know whether he was being irrational or he was telling me the truth during the conversation...Nevermind, I will explore by myself in the future~^^

好辛苦

我现在真的好希望，我可以没有感觉。。。
我现在真的好希望，我可以远离一切。。。
我现在真的好希望，我可以走得远远。。。
我现在真的好希望，我可以得以释放。。。

眼泪

为何眼泪一直流？
为何心不得安息？
为何让自己痛苦？
为何就是放不下？

明知是不可能的，
却不想放下，
我好想，好想知道
他的想法，祂的旨意。。。


昨天有人告诉我，
‘你就是要这样错失机会吗？’

‘我是不想要错失机会，
但是，还没开始就已经那么地痛苦了。
真的是苦不堪言，好苦，好哭啊！
难道，明知痛苦还要走下去？’

‘你胆小！你拖下去也一样会痛苦的。倒不如来个痛快，解决它！’他说。


我宁愿被人说我胆小，我胆怯，我没胆。。。
我都不想要那样做，或许是说我不敢。。。

相信时间会冲淡一切。

眼肿了，泪干了

可能是累了，不想一个人走下去。
可能是自卑，觉得做什么都没用。
可能是担忧，担心身边的人事物。
可能是彷徨，不知该怎么走下去。
可能是太忙，自己做什么都不知。
可能是太茫，自己已迷失在其中。
可能是太盲，自己看不到神恩典。
可能是想家，希望被人疼被人爱。
可能没信心，感觉不到爱我的神。
已没信心了，开始质疑很多，很多。。。。。。

Two different point of views from my parents

Last night my mum told me that she fully trusts God for His plan in getting the life partner of her children.
Then, I asked her, 'If my future boy friend is someone who came from a complicated family, only graduated from secondary school, no good career, no money, has the responsibility to take care of his family, etc.....BUT he loves God, willing to serve God despite of anything, will you accept him as your son-in-law?'
Without a second of hesitation, she answered, 'If the person really loves God and fears God, surely he will love you as himself, and I will never disagree about it.
WAH~Surprise!!!!!!!
In fact, my father is almost the same as the person I described my so-called future boy friend.
My dad had no money, he even rejected by his own family member due to his faith to God before he married my mum. ( He is still not rich now, though) However, he loves God, so he loves my mum very much.



After that, I asked my dad the same question.
The answer from my dad was, 'Don't think too much, please be rational, don't be so emotional, sweet heart.'
I asked, ' No, I was just giving an example. Let's say God really match this guy with me, what will you do?'
'Erm....I have been suffered a lot due to my low education level as a full time pastor in the church. Having the passion in serving God is great, though education level is important. If it is really God's arrangement, I will surely ask him to equip himself by studying, reading books and to get a certificate that recognised by others. Otherwise, he will be suffered a lot in the field and you will be suffered too,dear. Both knowledge (education) and the passion of serving God are the necessities in serving the people of God in this generation.'


Ya, my dad is really reasonable, rational, and he was being so reality to let me see the truth.
I can understand the reason why my dad said so, I have seen his struggling, hurts, frustrations since I was young.
He always tells me to be equipped well in school, study hard before you join the field.
Yes, I know that. I did it as he told.
But, daddy, even though you have been treated unjustly, you are still able to bear it due to us. (Of course, I believe that God has granted you the strength to go through those difficult times) You chose to not going for further study in seminary because you wanted us to have no worries about the living when we were young. You did not dare to complaint when you were treated differently, because you don't want to bear the risk of being posted to other places. You really tried your best in settling us down, not to move around.
Now we are grown up, go go go ahead with what you think you should do.
I love you, dad.



P/S: If God really match the guy that I described, I will think exactly like my mum. I am willing to go along with him, even though the path is challenging, tough, even full of pain. Because I know that God always has His best plan for me. It's not being emotional, it's about faith and trust.

渴望、期望、失望

我这两周来的心情：
渴望着一样想要的东西
就会
期望着可以得到那东西
结果
失望地去看待那样东西



依然
我的心还是
渴望着， 期望着有希望！！！



但是
我的理智说
放弃吧，是你的就是你的！！！



我的感觉和我的理智又在吵架了。。。



相信有爱，真的就会有奇迹？


我的信心又在摇动了。。。




天父，指教我走前方的路，引导我的心，检察我的心怀意念。。。阿门。

怎么办？

怎么办？多年来，这荷尔蒙都没发挥作用，竟然在这非常时期发挥的强大无比的作用。
现在的我就像是一个“纯情”的少女，幼稚得像一个得不到糖果的小女孩一样，费尽心思地想着要得到的东西。
二十多岁的我竟然被这荷尔蒙操控着，原以为能有控制自己内心自如的我，现在却已乱了阵脚。
心跳加速，手脚却冰冷，双颊绯红。。。。
我到底怎么了？？？
是荷尔蒙的错吗？
还是我自己想太多了？？？

等

等着他。。。
等着他的主动
等着他的信息
等着他的呼唤
等着他的亲近
等着他的劝导
等着他的一切
等着他，他知道吗？
还是，他等着我主动？？？

Learning to besome a more mature person (2 years in Sabah)

I am willing to offer my life to God.

Somehow, I will ask myself that the reason I do so is just a token of appreciation to God's love and grace that He's been shown to me and my family?

What is actually the correct attitude to commit one’s life to God?

Anyway,

I would like to write this passage with a heart of gratitude for what’s God had been leading and molding me for the past two years in Sabah.

I have learnt is to put God as the top priority of my life. The more I love God the more blessing I received from God.

The second thing is never let pride overwhelms me.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

I learnt this lesson in the 1^st sem of my second year. I was over confident to myself that I would be able to get good result without spending much effort in my study. Instead of studying, I joined many activities in campus and church. Moreover, I preferred to spend my time in watching movies than to do devotion. As the result, I got the worse results for that sem. I had been deeply regretted for my arrogant before I was thankful for God’s love in molding and pruning my life.

Whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. Hebrew 12:6

I can see the blessing of God to the descendants of those who worship and love Him. His promises never fail.

...showing love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments. Exodus 20:6

I am grateful that I have a pair of faithful and devoted parents. Thanks God for His abundant grace and mercy bestowed upon them. No matter how hard are the trials they faced in the path of ministering God and the people, they are able to fix their eyes at God. No matter how injustice they have been treated, how nonsense are the attitudes of others do against them, they are still able to Bless them before God. Our almighty and sovereign God knows the hardship of my parents endured, He blessed us (children) in every aspect.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrew 10:23

I know He will still Love me no matter how terrible am I

I m dissappointed for what I performed in these two days....

But, Thanks for His comfort...

Everthing will be well soon...

It is just a trasition period...

...

Where are you???

Where are you, GOD???

R YOU abondoned me???

What should I do???

I can't help myself, I need help frm YOU...

PLS, I beg for Your mercy...

PLS...PLS...PLS...

I nearly devastated...

pls hold me up...hold me up...

I cant sustain more stress than this...

I have to learn the ways in distressing. I keep avoiding the issues that are really matter to me.
I cant bear any mistake that I've done.That's the reason I am stress, I think.
After tonight I found that I cant afford any admonishment. I knew I was wrong before being told, but I didn't take action to correct it.
I thought everything would be fine, but the truth is it isn't.
After being told, I cant accept the mistake that I have done.
How stupid am I!!!
Push and force myself to wake up at 5am during weekdays no matter how reluctant I am, just because I am asked to fetch kids to school.
Am I a driver or a student?
Do I need to move out?
What can I do?