眼泪

为何眼泪一直流？
为何心不得安息？
为何让自己痛苦？
为何就是放不下？

明知是不可能的，
却不想放下，
我好想，好想知道
他的想法，祂的旨意。。。


昨天有人告诉我，
‘你就是要这样错失机会吗？’

‘我是不想要错失机会，
但是，还没开始就已经那么地痛苦了。
真的是苦不堪言，好苦，好哭啊！
难道，明知痛苦还要走下去？’

‘你胆小！你拖下去也一样会痛苦的。倒不如来个痛快，解决它！’他说。


我宁愿被人说我胆小，我胆怯，我没胆。。。
我都不想要那样做，或许是说我不敢。。。

相信时间会冲淡一切。

眼肿了，泪干了

可能是累了，不想一个人走下去。
可能是自卑，觉得做什么都没用。
可能是担忧，担心身边的人事物。
可能是彷徨，不知该怎么走下去。
可能是太忙，自己做什么都不知。
可能是太茫，自己已迷失在其中。
可能是太盲，自己看不到神恩典。
可能是想家，希望被人疼被人爱。
可能没信心，感觉不到爱我的神。
已没信心了，开始质疑很多，很多。。。。。。

Two different point of views from my parents

Last night my mum told me that she fully trusts God for His plan in getting the life partner of her children.
Then, I asked her, 'If my future boy friend is someone who came from a complicated family, only graduated from secondary school, no good career, no money, has the responsibility to take care of his family, etc.....BUT he loves God, willing to serve God despite of anything, will you accept him as your son-in-law?'
Without a second of hesitation, she answered, 'If the person really loves God and fears God, surely he will love you as himself, and I will never disagree about it.
WAH~Surprise!!!!!!!
In fact, my father is almost the same as the person I described my so-called future boy friend.
My dad had no money, he even rejected by his own family member due to his faith to God before he married my mum. ( He is still not rich now, though) However, he loves God, so he loves my mum very much.



After that, I asked my dad the same question.
The answer from my dad was, 'Don't think too much, please be rational, don't be so emotional, sweet heart.'
I asked, ' No, I was just giving an example. Let's say God really match this guy with me, what will you do?'
'Erm....I have been suffered a lot due to my low education level as a full time pastor in the church. Having the passion in serving God is great, though education level is important. If it is really God's arrangement, I will surely ask him to equip himself by studying, reading books and to get a certificate that recognised by others. Otherwise, he will be suffered a lot in the field and you will be suffered too,dear. Both knowledge (education) and the passion of serving God are the necessities in serving the people of God in this generation.'


Ya, my dad is really reasonable, rational, and he was being so reality to let me see the truth.
I can understand the reason why my dad said so, I have seen his struggling, hurts, frustrations since I was young.
He always tells me to be equipped well in school, study hard before you join the field.
Yes, I know that. I did it as he told.
But, daddy, even though you have been treated unjustly, you are still able to bear it due to us. (Of course, I believe that God has granted you the strength to go through those difficult times) You chose to not going for further study in seminary because you wanted us to have no worries about the living when we were young. You did not dare to complaint when you were treated differently, because you don't want to bear the risk of being posted to other places. You really tried your best in settling us down, not to move around.
Now we are grown up, go go go ahead with what you think you should do.
I love you, dad.



P/S: If God really match the guy that I described, I will think exactly like my mum. I am willing to go along with him, even though the path is challenging, tough, even full of pain. Because I know that God always has His best plan for me. It's not being emotional, it's about faith and trust.

渴望、期望、失望

我这两周来的心情：
渴望着一样想要的东西
就会
期望着可以得到那东西
结果
失望地去看待那样东西



依然
我的心还是
渴望着， 期望着有希望！！！



但是
我的理智说
放弃吧，是你的就是你的！！！



我的感觉和我的理智又在吵架了。。。



相信有爱，真的就会有奇迹？


我的信心又在摇动了。。。




天父，指教我走前方的路，引导我的心，检察我的心怀意念。。。阿门。

怎么办？

怎么办？多年来，这荷尔蒙都没发挥作用，竟然在这非常时期发挥的强大无比的作用。
现在的我就像是一个“纯情”的少女，幼稚得像一个得不到糖果的小女孩一样，费尽心思地想着要得到的东西。
二十多岁的我竟然被这荷尔蒙操控着，原以为能有控制自己内心自如的我，现在却已乱了阵脚。
心跳加速，手脚却冰冷，双颊绯红。。。。
我到底怎么了？？？
是荷尔蒙的错吗？
还是我自己想太多了？？？

等

等着他。。。
等着他的主动
等着他的信息
等着他的呼唤
等着他的亲近
等着他的劝导
等着他的一切
等着他，他知道吗？
还是，他等着我主动？？？

Learning to besome a more mature person (2 years in Sabah)

I am willing to offer my life to God.

Somehow, I will ask myself that the reason I do so is just a token of appreciation to God's love and grace that He's been shown to me and my family?

What is actually the correct attitude to commit one’s life to God?

Anyway,

I would like to write this passage with a heart of gratitude for what’s God had been leading and molding me for the past two years in Sabah.

I have learnt is to put God as the top priority of my life. The more I love God the more blessing I received from God.

The second thing is never let pride overwhelms me.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

I learnt this lesson in the 1^st sem of my second year. I was over confident to myself that I would be able to get good result without spending much effort in my study. Instead of studying, I joined many activities in campus and church. Moreover, I preferred to spend my time in watching movies than to do devotion. As the result, I got the worse results for that sem. I had been deeply regretted for my arrogant before I was thankful for God’s love in molding and pruning my life.

Whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives. Hebrew 12:6

I can see the blessing of God to the descendants of those who worship and love Him. His promises never fail.

...showing love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep My commandments. Exodus 20:6

I am grateful that I have a pair of faithful and devoted parents. Thanks God for His abundant grace and mercy bestowed upon them. No matter how hard are the trials they faced in the path of ministering God and the people, they are able to fix their eyes at God. No matter how injustice they have been treated, how nonsense are the attitudes of others do against them, they are still able to Bless them before God. Our almighty and sovereign God knows the hardship of my parents endured, He blessed us (children) in every aspect.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrew 10:23